Category: Funnies
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One Euthanasia Bag, Please
So, we did it. My partner and I took three kids under 10 on a plane. For lots of hours. The flight there was pretty good. There was a brief period of three-year-old Noah yelling, “I want orange juice!” because I had told him about the beverage service before it actually appeared (such a rookie mistake!)…
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As We Prepare for Our Trip
Dear Children, As we prepare for our upcoming trip, I would like to explain some things to you. This is a vacation. It is our first vacation in quite a while that doesn’t involve relatives, sleeping bags, or our imaginations. Mommy spent all of our money on this vacation, and some we don’t have. I am…
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Bad Little Girls Get Stung by Bees
I have already written about my daughter’s room. Basically it’s a mess. It’s a real mess. It’s kind of embarrassing how messy it is, and yet I have no idea how to clean it, so I don’t really know how to tell her to clean it. But periodically I issue various threats and edicts, and…
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Practically Five
At the zoo, I quickly realized that my family was not going to fit into one car of the train. (File this under “big-family problems.”) After some scrambling, we sorted ourselves into two: Asher and my significant other and I sat in the front car, and Selah took Noah to the second car, where there…
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Dear Children
Dear children, It is evidently still a mystery to you how the world works, so I’m going to let you in on a secret: We do the same thing every day. It’s the way the world works. It’s the human condition. People have been bemoaning this since the dawn of time. That’s why the movie…
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The Wrongest Mommy
I recently had the pleasure of seeing my story, “The Wrongest Mommy,” published on Mamalode.com. Here it is! The Wrongest Mommy Eight-year-old Selah loves it when I retell stories of ridiculous things she did—or when I retell stories of ridiculous things I did. Perhaps her second-favorite story is about the day that I stormed…
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But When Will She Dance?
My friend just had a baby. When I spotted them across the courtyard at church, I did what I tend to do when I see babies I know: I swooped in and asked if I could hold her. My friend was nice and indulged me in my desire for baby hugs. We were at the church’s…
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Oh Nooooo!
So, let’s say you have this red punching bag, the balloon kind. It originally belonged to your brother, but now it’s the only surviving one of three, so your mom said you have to share it. It has lost a lot of air over the course of the weekend, but it still remains somewhat balloony–it just has…
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This Is My Circus; These Are My Monkeys
This morning I brought my kids to church with me. Whew. Somehow I have always found getting my children to church very difficult and tiring. I’m not exactly sure why, since we don’t have to leave as early as we do for school, and there is no need for lunches or anything–but it’s possible that…
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50 Ways to Enrage Your Mommy
For the last couple of days, my blog was down. This was because my blog, like me, is caught in transitional divorce land. You see, back when my blog was a baby, my ex was kind enough to set it up for me and make it pretty, and I have to admit I’m unsure how…