Uncategorized Archive

What Are We Even Doing Here?

I gave my kids a piece of candy before the Easter service, I’ll admit. It’s just that they asked, and they had cute little baskets from Dad’s, and they were cute, and it was my favorite holiday. It was a mistake, because on the ride from their dad’s house, between the sugar and the excitement of
Category: Funnies

Accidentally Breaking Bad

Just found my daughter and her sweet little friend looking guilty in my daughter’s room. What they were trying to hide was that they were stirring together various household substances in cups, experiment-style. “What’s in it?” I ask. “Um, just some stuff,” Selah says. “What stuff?” “Just some salt and stuff.” I force her to
Category: Funnies

Miracle Baby

Five years ago, a miracle happened. I was in the labor and delivery room. I had reached that point in a pregnancy where almost inevitably the mother is actually eager to go into labor and give birth, terrifying as that sounds, just because it means she won’t have to be pregnant anymore. But I had
Category: Life

Leon Row the Boat Ashore

It took me a while to write this down, but it’s feeling seasonal again, now that the forecast is for seven days of 986-degree heat. Last summer, Leon and I were facing the prospect of a rare weekend off. While the kids visited their grandparents, Leon and I got two full days to do whatever we wanted.
Category: Funnies

Darling Children

Darling Children, In an attempt to make things more simple and clear, I have already laid out our daily routine for you. But I have also noticed that  I must tell you certain things more than one time. By “certain,” I mean “all.” And by “more than one time,” I mean that I have said these things
Category: Funnies

The Circle of Life

You’re welcome for putting that song in your head. Ahem. My partner, Leon, teaches first and second grade at a Montessori school. First graders these days learn about butterfly life cycles, among other things. Leon’s class got to hatch a batch of caterpillars, watching them make cocoons and then emerge as beautiful butterflies. This is a
Category: Funnies

Sheep, Hoarders, and Helicopters: The Piñata Test

You can learn all you need to know about humans when you attend a child’s party featuring a piñata. The good news is that we can stop funding sociological and anthropological research and just start sending scientists to children’s birthday parties, which are known to be–wait, those are as expensive as a university grant. Possibly more expensive. Never
Category: Funnies

The Shut-Up Places

My kids and Leon and I are like a traveling road show. We spent the long weekend traveling down to the Monterey area to see our parents. Noah was in great form all weekend, if by “great” you mean “really whiny, oddly hungry, and also full of hilarious one-liners.” In other words, he’s four and
Category: Funnies

Picture Day!

Recently, a small flyer came home in my child’s folder. It said, “Picture day is coming.”   I remarked to Leon, “I’ll bet most parents don’t read that as a warning.” But honestly, I know enough of you do. I vaguely remember picture day. They’d line us up, give us a small black comb. (Where
Category: Funnies

One Euthanasia Bag, Please

So, we did it. My partner and I took three kids under 10 on a plane. For lots of hours. The flight there was pretty good. There was a brief period of three-year-old Noah yelling, “I want orange juice!” because I had told him about the beverage service before it actually appeared (such a rookie mistake!)
Category: Funnies