Funnies Archive

Me Time!

After a hectic morning playing video games with people immediately upon waking, medicating and feeding various pets and foster kittens, finding ingredients for “elephant toothpaste,” telling people they couldn’t eat brownies for breakfast, trying to get people to please just clean up their dishes, telling people they had to go outside–you know, the usual–I decided
Category: Funnies

Distance Learning

Approximately 4,061 months ago, our local schools shuttered, and we started this new magic called “distance learning.” Needless to say, this is very hard for all of us. I can’t change that, but what I can do is provide some support for you parents out there. I’m going to craft a universal schedule based on
Category: Funnies

The Tooth Fairy Bites

I have to say, one of the hardest things about parenting is being the doggone tooth fairy! I know, I know, some of you manage this beautifully and your beautiful children have beautiful charm bracelets representing each of their lost teeth so they can cherish these childhood milestones. (Cough, Kelly, cough, you’re making the rest
Category: Funnies

I Had to Walk Uphill Both Ways!

I’ll be honest: I had a very challenging childhood. When it came to television, that is. My kids don’t get it. We have YouTube on our TV, several streaming programs, and instantaneous iTunes rentals, which means that they can literally watch anything at any time. They are privileged jerks, and they don’t even know it.
Category: Funnies

Please Get Me Out of Here: 14 Days Left

I have something dreadful to admit: I have become a terrible mother. No, seriously. On Monday, sitting at my desk, which is mere inches from the dining room table, where all three kids but especially Asher were super hyper and hooting and hollering, I bellowed, “Shut UP!” Yes, I have reached a point where I
Category: Funnies

Recipe for Disaster

9 cups Chex, two varieties for maximum mess 1 cup dairy-free chocolate chips (for child with allergies) 1/2 cup peanut butter with no crumbs in it (for child with allergies) 1/4 dairy-free margarine (for child with allergies) 1 teaspoon of vanilla, which children cannot see even though it’s literally in the front of the cabinet
Category: Funnies

Merry as $^$^: A Christmas Tale

I’ll just start this out by being honest: I’m supposed to be working. But you guys need to know this story. So really, I’m acting selflessly by writing about it right now. You’re welcome. So. Christmas decorating. I love Christmas decorations, though setting them up is basically performing hard manual labor during a harshly cold,
Category: Funnies

What Are We Even Doing Here?

I gave my kids a piece of candy before the Easter service, I’ll admit. It’s just that they asked, and they had cute little baskets from Dad’s, and they were cute, and it was my favorite holiday. It was a mistake, because on the ride from their dad’s house, between the sugar and the excitement of
Category: Funnies

Accidentally Breaking Bad

Just found my daughter and her sweet little friend looking guilty in my daughter’s room. What they were trying to hide was that they were stirring together various household substances in cups, experiment-style. “What’s in it?” I ask. “Um, just some stuff,” Selah says. “What stuff?” “Just some salt and stuff.” I force her to
Category: Funnies

You Can’t Worm Your Way Out of This One

Last night I called Selah inside from the kids’ dirt play to get her ready for her night of pretending to be Eleanor Roosevelt at a wax museum. Which is itself a little odd I guess. Anyway, I started brushing her hair so I could put it up under her hat. It’s always very tangly so
Category: Funnies