I just keep starting to cry today.
I’m not depressed. I don’t have PMS. I’m tired. I do feel a little beaten down.
I have a child with challenges. School can be terrible sometimes. I yelled at someone in an IEP meeting, and I don’t approve of yelling at people you are trying to work with. But it’s hard to advocate for your kid, and it’s emotional, and sometimes it feels scary and like you don’t know who to trust.
Sometimes everything is so hard, and it’s even harder for him, and I have to watch that, and that’s harder yet. It’s so hard to know what to do, what the best things are to do, how I can help all of us in the short term and the long term. Everyone keeps suggesting things, and that makes me kind of tired too. They’re doing it because they love us and I love them. But I’m overwhelmed. I did have wine and a chat with a friend last night while our kids watched TV, and it felt a little like I was not parent of the year, but like that would help me be parent of the year again after. I’m having another wine and chat with some more fellow moms this weekend, all of whom go through these same crummy things.
It’s so hard to be a parent.
Last night, I got into my daughter’s bed, and while we were talking, I asked, “What’s your favorite thing about school?”
She said, “Uhhhhh” so long that I was about to move on and say, “OK, well then what’s your least favorite thing?”
But she beat me to it, saying, “I like it ALL. I like it so much I can’t even say what my favorite or least favorite parts are!” And she does. She’s thriving.
I have to remember to look at her blossoming face and remember that I have it a lot harder than some parents, but I also have it a lot easier than a lot of other parents, even ones with pretty “average” kids. I know you guys have it hard too, even when things are overall pretty OK or even pretty good.
It’s all so complicated. My third child has this completely different set of needs and sensitivities. Their needs are so different. You kind of learn how to parent better as you go, but then the next kid needs something different. Their needs just go blasting over my needs so often. I don’t even know what my needs are, truthfully. I don’t have the energy to give a darn. And it often really is OK. I’m actually pretty happy, and I think living day at a time, things are going pretty well. But those days can all of a sudden include these astonishingly difficult hurdles to overcome, and often they include a comical amount of fails and frustrations, and there’s not a lot left for painting or running.
I almost cried at the neck occupational therapist this morning, for no reason. I did wind up talking about my kids a lot while I was there. I hope he gets that a lot. He was nice about it.
I just got interrupted by a Facetime call from my son at his dad’s house; he woke up with the flu today, which meant a lot of scrambling on all of our parts. And I had to scramble so he didn’t wonder what I was crying about. He wanted comfort–he has the flu. But seeing his little face actually went a long way toward making me not want to cry, especially since I’m not sure how often he has ever voluntarily spoken on the phone. Guess I’ll keep carrying on.
I think I would like to start some new hobbies, like getting into bed and binge-watching How I Met Your Mother. Or maybe I should have that good cry first, with my cat. She’s a pretty good buddy.