D&#$ the Time Change All to Hell, M*%}#^% F}%%#^ S{*+#^!!!!!!!!!!!!: A Bedtime Book

This is not just a blog; it’s a book, inspired by the time change and some other well-known raging parent bedtime books. Illustrations are pending.

It’s called D&#$ the Time Change All to Hell, M*%}#^% F}%%#^ S{*+#^!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Once there was a nice mommy. She liked giving hugs and kisses.

She liked playing Hot Wheels with the boy.

She liked wrestling with the baby.

She liked chatting with the girl.

OK, she did get kind of impatient when people weren’t putting their shoes on.

But overall, she was pretty nice.

And yet, bad things happened to Mommy when the sun went down.

That’s when Mommy turned into something known to most children as Crazy B#&%$ Mommy.

Crazy B#&%$ Mommy was not very nice. Sometimes the children just wanted some drinks of water, and to go to the bathroom, and maybe to find out what would happen when you crawled into bed with the baby. But Crazy B#&%$ Mommy would bellow, “Get baaaaack in beeeeeeeeed!!”

Sometimes the children were afraid there might be monsters in their rooms. In the daytime, Nice Mommy would reassure them. At night she would roar, “I’ll show you scaaaaary! Get in BED!!”

Then, one day, something terrible happened. Nice Mommy came into their rooms to wake them when it was still dark. Nice Mommy seemed kind of cranky. “I need some coffee,” she croaked. “What’s happening, Mommy?” the children asked?

“It’s the g#$^*!@%# time change,” they though they heard her mutter. They looked at each other in surprise.

Partway through that day, Nice Mommy started to look a little pale.

She slogged around, squinting at the children. The boy got out some Legos. “What the #%^?” screamed Mommy when she stepped on one. She threw the Lego. The children looked at each other, worried.

The day wore on, and something terrible seemed to be happening. Nice Mommy looked and sounded an awful lot like Crazy B#&%$ Mommy. When the dog knocked the baby over, they thought she was going to punch the dog.

They thought they heard Mommy say something to Daddy about how bedtime wasn’t going to come for three more days. They were interested. This sounded awesome.

Dinnertime came. “Can we have macaroni and cheese?” asked the girl. “F#$^!” shouted Nice Mommy. “Stop asking for junk food! We’re eating $^#%$^# chicken! And you’re going to EAT IT and you’re going to LIKE IT!”

Then, when dinner was over (they kind of ate it and they didn’t like it), Nice Mommy announced it was bedtime. Now, the boy knew that something was up. It wasn’t bedtime. It wasn’t even dark outside. Nice Mommy was crazy.

“But Mommy, it’s not nighttime yet,” the boy pointed out helpfully.

“Yes it is! The time changed! Now get in your PAJAMAS!”

Grumbling to each other about the sun that was streaming through the window while they were brushing their teeth, the children got on their pajamas, after running a race and playing keep away from the baby.

The children got into bed. Since it clearly was not night time, the boy thought maybe this was a new, elaborate game that Mommy had dreamed up. “This is a fun game,” the boy thought. “I bet it would be more fun if I got into bed with the baby.”

The baby’s laughs and eventual cries brought… Crazy B#&%$ Mommy?? What was she doing here?

“What the %&#@????” screamed Crazy B#&%$ Mommy. “Get in your own bed!” Appalled, the boy climbed back up to the top of the bunk bed.

Of course, now the baby was wide awake. “Waaaaah!” he hollered. Crazy B#&%$ Mommy came in, but acted surprisingly quiet. “Shhhhh,” she told the baby, glaring at the boy when he peeked over the top bunk. The baby grew quiet, and Crazy B#&%$ Mommy left.

Why was the baby so quiet? Was he sleeping, or was he just pretending? The boy climbed down the ladder and into the baby’s bed. “Oops, maybe the baby was sleeping,” he thought, when he saw the still body in the bed. As his own body hit the mattress, the baby sat up.

“Waaaaaah!” Crazy B#&%$ Mommy barged in, and the boy tried to hide behind the baby. Crazy B#&%$ Mommy grabbed him and sort of put and sort of threw him back into his own bed.

Meanwhile, the girl realized she needed to use the bathroom. By “use the bathroom,” of course, she meant “go sneak around the hallway and try to figure out what Mommy and Daddy were talking about.” After all, it was clearly midafternoon, not bedtime. When she saw Crazy B#&%$ Mommy storming down the hallway, however, she skittered back into her room and shut the door. What was Crazy B#&%$ Mommy doing out already?

“Waaaaah!” said the baby, who wondered where everyone had gone. He tried to reach a ball that was near his bed, and when he couldn’t reach it, he thought maybe he would throw his binkie. That usually brought friends in to give it back and play with him.

The boy looked over the rail, down at the binkie. Climbing down, he picked it up, but then decided it would be more fun to give the baby the ball. And some more balls. And some Legos. Oh, and that awesome guitar that played the really loud music.

They were having a rollicking good time when they heard, “D&$# the time change all to hell, m*%}#^% f}%%#^ s{*+#^!!!!!!!!!!!!” They both quickly lay down in the baby’s bed, but Crazy B#&%$ Mommy didn’t come storming in, like they had expected.

To their surprise, a new monster came in instead, one that they rarely met. Crazy B#&%$ Daddy.


4 responses to “D&#$ the Time Change All to Hell, M*%}#^% F}%%#^ S{*+#^!!!!!!!!!!!!: A Bedtime Book”

  1. Jeremy Meehan Avatar
    Jeremy Meehan

    Love it! Wish you wrote more often – someday will be helpful in recalling the challenges of these years…

  2. This. This is awesome. Must share on FB!

    1. Thanks, Diana! I appreciate any sharing you care to do. 🙂

  3. […] will be a time difference in our destination. Based on your behavior after the time change, I am concerned about this. Based on the fact that at least one of you wakes me up each night […]

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