surprise Archive

The Things She Carried

I often ask my daughter to clean her room. Her response is often to cry, get overwhelmed, or get distracted. I will not get into how crazy this all drives me in this particular blog. While she is away for a few days, I think I will do us both a favor and just whirl
Category: Life

Perfect [Bleep] Storm

I grew up camping. Many of my favorite early memories involve sleeping in tents by some lake or river somewhere, with my parents, two siblings, and dog (see Go Home Lassie, You Are Drunk). In my mind, these trips were relaxing, easy peasy, simple. We’d eat sandwiches in the dust and swim in the [insert
Category: Funnies

The Fairy Princess Surprise

Dear Noah, I am going to tell you about a certain incident that happened in your babyhood. I want to tell you now, so that we can get proper mileage out of it in years to come. I don’t want your high school graduation or your wedding to be the first time you hear about
Category: Uncategorized

Sweeter than I Expected

I think I was looking forward to the wrong things. When I found out Selah was going to be a girl, I was thrilled. I know, I’m a terrible feminist, but I couldn’t wait to dress her up in pretty clothes. It was going to be like having my very own living doll! People gave
Category: Funnies

Death Geese

I will admit, I have made some slanderous statements about geese in this blog (see All in the Family). However, I maintain that I was justified in calling them a$$holes. And if you do not already feel this way, I would like to tell you a story. My sister has always been afraid of geese.
Category: Funnies

Go Home, Lassie, You Are Drunk

Valiant, rescuing dog stories are kind of a cliché. Even if you never actually watched Lassie getting Timmy rescued from the well, you have probably encountered all the stories about brave and noble canines out there. Meg, my childhood dog, was very good at being a Labrador retriever. She was well trained. She could have
Category: Funnies

Penis Envy

Our first child was a girl. Partly because of this, I think of her as kind of a “starter child.” I know it must be because I’m a woman, but having a child with a penis just felt entirely outside of my skill set. When we potty trained Selah, it seemed straightforward. The differences between
Category: Funnies

Little Buppy

As many of you know, I cried the entire time I was pregnant with my third child. I felt so overwhelmed with two! But something wonderful happened. Or a combination of factors that worked out to be wonderful. For one, Noah is a sweet baby. Also, it turns out the more babies you have, the
Category: Life

Sacrificing Mom for the Dog

IMPORTANT UPDATE: My dad, in response to this blog post, just sent me photographic evidence: Only it’s clearly a Photoshop job or something. If you are confused, it’s because you haven’t read the whole sordid story yet. *** So it’s time to set the story straight. My dad constantly tells a version of this story
Category: Funnies

Mystery Cat

My husband told me I should write about some of my family’s pet stories. I think he said this because they are such awesome stories. There is also a distinct possibility that he just wanted me to tell someone else about them, because he was sick to death of hearing the same couple of stories from my
Category: Funnies