It has been weighing on me that I have not been writing much lately. I have been unsure what I could possibly respectfully and sanely share during a weird, transitional sort of time in my life. But not writing does not do much for me either, so I am just kind of…writing.
This change from being married to being single and also being a mother has been…what it is. I have found a lot of odd blessings and support in this time, and have found myself reeling with unlooked-for pain at other times. People like to tell stories, and I have had to encounter that here and there.
But I think what I will take away with me into the future is the dear friends who have held my hand, and the chorus of me toos and I have been theres. And those who have assured me that their parents got divorced and that they were fine. I have a good therapist* I am seeing, and she said that the preponderance of research shows that children whose parents manage their divorces well do not end up harmed. I am hopeful for that.
I am still working on that balance of alone time and with-kids time. I am choosing to take some of my alone time and “borrow” my daughter back to bring her on our first backpacking trip. I am really excited about this. The other night, I took my middle son shoe shopping, and was reminded how much people adore him when the clerk basically fell madly in love with him and let him help ring up the shoes. I needed that after he had tried to throw a tantrum about “having” to go shoe shopping with me. These joyful moments are so important in the midst of a family crisis. I love my kids so much, and it’s good to remember that we like each other, too, even if we are all busy and stressed.
I have managed not to spend enough time on me, even with some days off here and there. But yesterday, I treated myself to a great dress at Thrift Town, took a long, lazy nap, and went biking with a friend (though we managed to get a little…lost). At the end of the day, facing the still-messy house from 9 days on my own with the kids, I had a moment of being sorry I hadn’t been more productive. But I still managed to mop and fold 1/5 of the laundry mountain. As is the case when the kids are here, a day is not as much time as I think it will be.
I am doing well. I am not used to the kids being here and then being gone cycle. The kids are happy, and then sometimes they aren’t. The house still isn’t taking care of itself very well. But I think we’ll all be OK.
My face is to the future.
*Now that I am there myself, I am even more convinced that everybody should go to therapy. Ah, the joy of talking to someone who doesn’t have emotional reactions to what you divulge. Seriously. It’s helpful.
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