In an attempt to make things more simple and clear, I have already laid out our daily routine for you. But I have also noticed that I must tell you certain things more than one time. By “certain,” I mean “all.” And by “more than one time,” I mean that I have said these things over and over and over and dragged you away from what you were doing and looked you in the eyes and been certain you knew I was talking to you and I still had to say them 50 or 60 times in a row.
So I thought that I would just make a list of things that I apparently must tell you again. These are things that must happen every day and all the time. I used to think that having already taken 2,500 to 3,500 showers in your lifetime would be enough to, say, teach you that you do in fact need to hang up your towel afterward.
Not leave it on the floor.
Not leave it on the chair or bed.
Not leave it wadded and mildewing at the bottom of the laundry hamper (WHY IS THAT THE ONLY THING YOU PUT IN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER?)
–but HANG IT UP. Where it goes, please.
So, in addition to the towel thing (hang it up), here are some more reminders. Again.
- Please put the milk cap back on before putting the milk in the fridge.
- Please put the milk back into the fridge. (Is the cap on?)
- Please put the cereal away. I don’t care if Noah ate it too. Please just put it away.
- Please put the milk back into the fridge with its cap on. No, you didn’t already do it. It’s still there, capless, on the table.
- Please put clothing on your body. It’s summer. So I don’t really care what it is. Seriously? You want to wear pants and a sweater? I…fine. Wear them.
- Please put your dirty clothing into the hamper. See there, where you wadded your towel and I forced you to put your clothes last night? Yes, that’s the hamper. Hey, thanks for putting your PJs shirt in there. Can you please also put your underpants in there? These underpants. No, you didn’t already do that. In the hamper. See, where the towel is?
- If you peed your bed, please tell me so we can address it. I know it’s embarrassing. But if you’re going to refuse to sleep in your bed tonight because of the pee, I’m still going to find out. So please. Just tell me.
- The milk is going to go bad if you don’t put it in the fridge. I know Noah used it too. Can you please put it away?
- Brush your teeth. This toothbrush is dry. I think you are remembering yesterday. No, really, I know you didn’t already do it. The sink is dry too. OK, so you brushed them already and somehow they all dried off–why don’t you just do it again? Because I asked you to. Yes. I know. Yes. Here’s your toothbrush.
- Stop arguing with your brother. Hey, you’re right. He could even be incorrect. But do you see that he has not changed his mind when you said that? Did you notice that you have had at least 1,300 arguments so far, and he has changed his mind because of you approximately 0 times? Please. No really, just stop. Please.
- Hey, can you put the cap on the milk and put it in the fridge? No, you didn’t already do that.
- Look. It’s there. On the table. Here’s the cap.
- I know your brother just said, “Ha ha” about the milk cap. Can you please just let it go? Stop it. Let it go.
- If you need help opening the fridge while holding the milk, please say, “Mommy, can you please help me?” I have taught you this. The reason I have taught you this is that when you pretend to try as hard as you can while screeching, “Eeeeaaauggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!” it sends my body into fight or flight mode and I just want to hurl you away from the fridge and put the milk in myself. But I’m not going to do that, because Love and Logic said I am not supposed to and that you’ll be a better person if I make you open the fridge and put the stinkin’ milk in it. So here, just repeat after me: “Mommy, can you please help me?” I know it’s not as fun or satisfying as acting super screechy and incapable. But really. Please just do it. You can even set the milk down here while you open it if you don’t want my help.
- Stop it! Your brother isn’t wrong this time, and I don’t even care who’s wrong! Please, just let it go and then he’ll let it go and then we’ll all be happy!
- Wait, you are wearing a pajama shirt. Can you please put your clothes on? Hey, when you take that off, will you put it in the hamper?
- The place with the towel. Yes, you did use a towel. When you showered last night? It’s over there.
- OMG the milk is still on the counter! I know you brought it over to put it in the fridge but it didn’t make it in. Here. Here, next to the stack of papers you brought home from school three weeks ago.
- Yeah, I see that drawing you made at school. It’s nice! Yes, I will give you an apple after you put that milk away.
- No, don’t grab that sharp knife. We can just use the apple cutter.
- Wait! The milk! Come back here! Put the milk away!
OK, so I think that should get you through at least the first hour of the day. I’m not ready for work yet, and I’m kind of hoping you are wearing an actual shirt. But I am out of energy.