Joy is Now



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Tomorrow is Asher’s birthday. He’ll be four.

Proud Writer
Proud Writer

I had a moment the other day when I remembered his first birthday. On July 13, 2010, I woke up at the exact time he had been born, one year prior. I woke up so angry and sad. And I wrote about it.

I used to blog on another site. I stopped. I only just now realized that I wrote a post about his birth on that first birthday–and then stopped writing.

Here it is: Happy Birthday*

Asher was born really sick, with an extremely rare blood infection. The pain and grief of nearly losing him has had the habit of hitting me at weird moments through the years.

But when I read this old post for the first time in three years, I realized I knew the answer to the question it posed. Now. His birthday is now a time of joy. I don’t know when that happened. But I’m not mad anymore. And when he tells me, “Mommy, I wuv you like a goose wuvs a ninja,” I don’t associate that with that baby in the NICU.

It’s now.

Nap Buddies
Nap Buddies

*I am sharing this with the understanding that you probably shouldn’t read through the rest of my old blog. I try to avoid ever reading stuff I wrote in the past, with the assumption that it’s embarrassing and probably sucks. I don’t think I usually give my younger self a lot of credit, since I was, you know, young.


4 responses to “Joy is Now”

  1. Juliana Avatar

    I remember reading that post, when you wrote it, and I’ve wondered at subsequent birthdays if it was still as hard — I’m glad it’s changed. May you have a fun and only-chaotic-in-a-good-way weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Thanks, friend! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I loved everything on the old blog, and was so bummed when you quit posting. I’m so glad you are writing again, and so, so glad that now Asher’s birth day can be all about celebration as it should be!

    (Also, I still can’t believe you weren’t actively encouraged to touch him as much as possible. Apparently none of these “professionals” were aware of all the studies that show how much better health-challenged babies do when they have human contact?!)

    1. Thanks, that means a lot (about the writing). I am going to try to force myself to look through it and see if anything is salvageable. I also have journal upon journal of old letters, diaries, and poems, and who knows if I’ll ever look at those. You can look at them when I die, judge me but love me anyway, and then burn them.

      And I absolutely agree about the touching. What could be more healing than Mommy’s touch? Those stupids. They also discouraged focusing too much on breastfeeding–the best thing to do for a baby’s immune system. Thankfully we broke through that barrier anyway.

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